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 Saving big money has never been so flourescent. $(m x M) = S2 – WTL(xfl) The Menards Equation unraveled: big money saved is equal to the condition of your soul after subtracting will-to-live multiplied by exposure (in minutes) to florescent lighting. “1841 Father Lucien Galtier dedicates his log church to “St. Paul, the apostle of nations.” This name is deemed superior to “Pig’s Eye,” the community’s previous moniker, and St. Paul is incorporated as a town on this date in 1849. The log structure later serves as the first school of the Sisters of St. Joseph, and in 1856 its logs are dismantled, numbered, and hauled up the hill to the St. Joseph’s Academy construction site. Unfortunately, the plan to rebuild the chapel as a historic site had not been communicated to the workmen, who use the logs to warm themselves and their coffee.” – from The Minnesota Book of Days compiled by Tony Greiner and published by the Minnesota Historical Society Press. If we were to say that all that has taken place in St. Paul since then has merely been variations on a theme, we would be absolutely right.
1. Jewish Ruminate 2. Hindu Brood 3. Muslim Contemplate 4. Tanner 5. Mormon Puzzle-Over 6. Shinto Daydream 7. Martin “Missouri Synod” Mull  Pledge Drive
We spend most of the MPR pledge drive toggling between feeling shame for allowing Bill Kling to terrify us for so long and imagining how awesome it would be if MPR sponsored a vehicle on the NASCAR circuit. We have chosen to exorcise our demons in a constructive fashion. Introducing number 91.1, the just and verdant MPR car.
Running a marathon is a significant milestone for any runner. It is even more significant for a non-runner — especially if the 26.2 miles has been traversed by sheer serendipity while being chased by cops, bears, or hallucinated Neanderthals coveting one’s brushed-nickel butane lighter. Running a marathon is an excellent way of getting a t-shirt which one can casually talk about while waiting in line at Kowalski’s to purchase fennel. “Oh, yeah. I’ve run it for four years. By the third year my nipples had completely calloused over so the bleeding was minimal.” Regardless, we have heard that running a marathon takes training and in the spirit of public service we have conjured a list of things you should do if you are pondering this massive undertaking. 1. Shoes are important. We have heard that red shoes make people run faster. Get something that looks good, but not so good that the EMTs steal them while you are en route to United Hospital for excessive blood loss after all of your toenails have ripped free from your toes. 2. Train. Instead of the tried and true method of gradually preparing your mind and body to run the full distance of a marathon, we believe it is best to surprise them on the day of the big run. Think of it as a surprise party, but in lieu of cake, presents, liquor, and the company of friends, you will have the sensation of inhaling metal filings. 3. Eat well. That is to say, Scotch eggs. Lots of Scotch eggs. 4. Be in tune with your body. If you feel a charley horse or a compound fracture coming on — like the memorable break sustained by Burt Reynolds’s character in the movie “Deliverance” — don’t be pantywaist: run it off. This isn’t Iwo Jima — it’s not even a docudrama about Iwo Jima — it’s not even a shadow puppet production of Iwo Jima for the Sprout Network. Which, upon further musing, would be awesome. 5. Prepare yourself for the inevitable: You aren’t going to win. Unless you are Patrick Makau of Kenya who broke the world’s record last week at the Berlin Marathon with a time of two hours, three minutes, and thirty-eight seconds. That is exactly the same length of the 1981 film “Chariots of Fire.” He could win running backwards with one shoe filled with angry bees and the other with sausage gravy. We hope these tips help you make it at least to Hamline Avenue before hitting “the wall,” which we always thought was a Pink Floyd reference, but apparently has something to do with not being able to finish. Good luck to you runners and future runners! — and as Vince Lombardi once said, “If you give up, I’m going to backhand your puppy and mash your face on this un-oiled griddle!” 1. The Cylinder of Unrepentant Wickedness 2. The Hexagonal Prism of Insouciance 3. The Hemisphere of Foreboding 4. The Calabash of Recalcitrance 5. The Hollowed Orb of Uxoriousness 7. The Möbius Strip of Perceived Worth 8. The Carved Watermelon Basket of Delicious Fruit 9. The Cube of Rubik 10. The Dodecahedron of Sanguinity 11. The Rhombic Triacontahedron of Justifiable Regicide 12. The Elongated Pentagonal Cupola of Remorse Bonus: 13. Lube Cube |
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