365 Things to Avoid in the Twin Cities

Season’s greetings! I hope this past year has been kind to you. My year was like the old Chinese fortune cookie fortune: “May you live in interesting times.” I shouldn’t complain, I’ve had a heck of a year!

The year started off with Rollerdome. I love Rollerdome! I can’t get enough Rollerdome. If only we could add James Caan and some motorcycles, we’d have ourselves a real party. And if that wasn’t enough excitement I had the Home & Landscape Expo too. That Bobby Jensen is as cute as a gnome in person! I got to see my Vikings beat the Cowboys and then followed it up with a MonsterJam the following week.

Beginning with February I fell into my familiar routine: Rollerdome, Rollerdome, college baseball, Rollerdome. I love Rollerdome! That’s pretty much how things went until my vacation in June.

Now you’re probably thinking to yourselves, “What about the Twins? The Twins have been at the Dome for years — surely she must miss the Twins and all of their fans?” I was surprised! I didn’t miss them a bit! Opening Day was a little weird, sure, but I kind of liked the quiet — plus, it’s nice to fall asleep not smelling like Dome Dogs. They don’t have Dome Dogs anymore at the new stadium. Ridiculous. I can’t begrudge the Twins for running to that tarted up little slut of a stadium (basically me, but thirty years younger — and topless. Do you believe that? Slut!)

Sorry.

With no Twins games to tie me down and all of the in-line skaters enjoying the Spring weather, I visited some relatives who I haven’t seen for ages. First on my list was my grandfather, the Astrodome, in Houston. He’s harmless enough, but the whole, “I’m the Eighth Wonder of the World” in his Boss Hogg accent wears thin after the first five or six repetitions. Plus, he’s starting to get that “old stadium” smell. You know what I’m talking about.

From there I headed south to see my great uncle, the Superdome, in New Orleans. I always have fun in New Orleans. My favorite thing to do is to pronounce all four syllables of the city’s name and watch as horrified natives clamor over who can smugly correct me first: “It’s ‘Nawlins.” Sure. I’ll call it ‘Nawlins when I call Favre “Farve.”Uncle and I always end up arguing about how just because I hate the Saints doesn’t mean I hate the people of New Or-lee-ans. Who could hate Brad Pitt? Sigh.

Lastly, it was up to Detroit to see my brother the Pontiac Silverdome. Detroit always reminds me of Nicollet where it dead-ends at the K-Mart. I tell my brother that and he gets angry, “Don’t you dare say ‘Nicollet’ around here — that’s code!” He is SO funny! He has great stories — like about how Pink Floyd played “Dark Side of the Moon” there in its entirety in 1994 for the first time since 1975. He doesn’t remember it very well though. Same goes for that one time he had the Pope in him.

I made it home in August — still a slow time for a stadium, but I had my first Vikings game and lots of soccer. October brought, you guessed it! Rollerdome! November brought high school football. That’s always a hard time of year for me because it means lots of 1.) back acne, and 2.) Randy Shaver. All a stadium can do is close her eyes and imagine the next Rollerdome.

December, as you may have heard, was a tough month for me. We had a lot of snow here and, well, I collapsed. It’s happened before, but never with so many people watching — it was embarrassing! Then, just like the Twins before them, the Vikings ran to a stadium about fifty years younger then them. Sick! Teams: can’t live with them, can’t let them move to L.A.

The coming year looks bright. Even with the Twins gone and my relationship with the Vikings cooling, I’ve got a lot going on once I get my roof fixed. I can’t wait for The Minneapolis Jewish Federation Tzedakah Bowl on the 24th and the Hmong American New Year in January! And Rollerdome!

Happy Holidays! Don’t get ripped! LOL!

Metrodome